Video Addict I Think I Am.

Some videos to watch.





This was from the news the Friday before this NUS semester really began.

More Video

If you can make it to the end... congratulations. Leave your name and contact thingies in the comments. You have won a prize.

Time for some Culture. Now with video

There has been some lack of culture here these days, so I now leave you in the hands of Mr. Neil Gaiman.

Harry Potter and the Horse's Wang

Someone, I am not quite sure when, got the idea into his head to replace all instances of "wand" in the prose with "wang". I think I enjoy it more this way:

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Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
Let's see the results...

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

Ok
I have found, definitive proof
that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
O_______O
Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

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Source: http://www.bash.org/?111338


What prompted this post? This.

Guess the many Harry fans will be screaming until they're horse. I think he is too young to show his firebolt, and he will be saddled by this decision foal a long time. Though if he can pull this off well, and prove his neighsayers wrong, he will be galloping to the top for sure. I guess he is behooved to do this to ensure a stable career and to prevent him from being typecasted into bit roles. Just hope they put blinders on the underaged to prevent them from knowing about this and getting disspirited. Wouldn't want to stirrup trouble now would we? I just hope he knows when to pull the reins.

Challenge: How many puns is that?

In Case the Guide Didn't Work

I wrote a Guide in the previous post. If I didn't write it timely enough, and you have been dumped, there's always this site. NSFW by the way.

PS: Girls, if any of you are actually on the internet and *GASP* are reading this, try not to end up there. Personally, I think that the existance of girls on the interweb is an urban legend, so I'm probably talking to myself here.

Misogynistic Post: Beyond There be Dragons.

The ULTIMATE GUIDE TO SCORING CHICKS

by Me

Today I received an email from someone --no names, you know who you are-- containing a guide to dating and sex. Newsflash: I don't need no stinking guide. My legendary skills caused Casanova to disembowel himself with his penis when he heard of my exploits.

Besides, the guide was utter crap. It got everything wrong, which is not surprising, seeing how most people who write these guides don't know thing one about scoring chicks. Those with the knowledge, like me, would never write a dating guide. It's like one of those Kung Fu things where the Kung Fu master would go, “ There are three important guidelines in Kung Fu. First, know yourself. Second, never reveal everything you know.” Except I won't even tell you how many guidelines there are.

Did I say never. I meant never before now. Because I am going to bequeath substantial, encyclopedic knowledge to you. Just know that what I am revealing here is just the tip of the iceberg, a drop in the sea, an electron in a tritium atom of my limitless knowledge. Only people who have proven their worth through the Trials, which include stuff like swimming in a lake of lava during a meteor storm and running through a lake without getting wet—HINT: you have to dodge the water molecules, can take up apprenticeship with me. But I am sure this short post will improve your game 100000000000000%.

Step 1: Attracting Women.

Okay, the first step in getting a date is to start a conversation with them. Forget the lameass pickup lines, that stuff is for the retards. Women like dominance, so what I recommend is to charge at them and pin them to the ground. That's why they call it tackling girls right? It doesn't matter how you tackle them: Rugby tackles are fine, as are two footed tackles from behind. While not strictly a tackle, a Zidane headbutt is also acceptable. Just try not to damage the goods (unless you like damaged goods). So while an Aikido move is OK, the Tiger Attacking Crane style flying kick is not. Your goal here is to pin her to the ground without killing her (unless of course you are a necrophile) or seriously injuring her. Once you have pinned her to the ground, stare into her eyes until she looks away. Repeat ten times or so until you are sure she is totally submissive. You da man now dawg.

Sometimes this will be hard to do. The place might be to crowded, there may be police around, whatever. Or maybe you want to hit on a gang of girls simultaneously. In that case I recommend this second approach, also known as the R Kelly. It works especially well if the girls are at the bar, though it could be adapted to work anywhere. Wherever you decide to do it, the first step is to get on higher ground. THIS IS THE KEY. From your high ground you can then proceed to pee on the girl(s). Aim for the face, though you should try to get some on the breasts as well. For best results, shoot into their mouths. The more concentrated your pee (read: more yellow) the more potent the effects are, but you will have less pee to spread around and hence the less girls you can simultaneously hit on. Conversely, the less concentrated your pee, the less potent it is but the more girls you can target at once. This is known as the R Kelly Catch 22. Also, keep in mind that your mileage may vary. That is to say that just because one person's 200ml of 2 mol/dm3 might affect 3 girls satisfactorily doesn't mean that the same volume and concentration of your pee would do the same. Whatever your minimum dosage, a successful R Kelly will cause the girl(s) to go mad with lust. Seriously, it's like catnip. Only better. And without cats.

Now that you have broken the ice, it is important that you project yourself well. The brilliant opening is useless without a proper follow through.

First, appear smart. Girls dig smarts, so don't be afraid to pepper your conversation with random Nietzsche quotes, metabolic pathway equations, Monte Carlo integrations, and allusions Hawking radiation even if it has nothing to do with the conversation or doesn't make sense at all. Oh, and poetry. If you recite a poem, she will gush downstairs, guaranteed. For real. If you can't remember a poem just fake it. All you need is to take an object, say a red chair, and talk nonsensically about it, pausing to indicate the line breaks. Bonus points if it rhymes. Super bonus points if you insert words like thou, thee, thine and art into it. If they ask you what it means then you can either act indignant that they are too stupid to understand your genius or you can act faux-scholarly and ask them what they think you meant. Either way, they will be awed by your intellectual depth. Needless to say, that in every part of the conversation you should be using obscure words like ergo and tumescent and pedantic and defenestration and viz. and to wit (make sure you actually say, “viz and to wit”). So a line like, “When he saw my tumescent member, the pedantic raconteur—whose glycogen stores were no doubt being broken down by a(1-4) transglycosylase, glycogen phosphorylase and phosphoglucomutase—committed an act of defenestration, viz. and to wit he jumped out the window. As he fell in the strange arc which can only be described using Monte Carlo integrations, he emitted Hawking radiation. Ah, how can I compare him to a summer day/ He is more beautiful and more temperate. Ah, the irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it. Ergo, he died.” will bring you instant pussy.

While words are good in seducing chicks intellectually, I would not be a good teacher if I did not teach you the art of physical seduction. The trick of physical seduction is to think subtlety. Subtle physical contact is your watchword. For example, if you are short, and the both of you are standing, you can pretend to look down deep in thought, then while deep in thought place your forehead on her chest then look up as though startled, rubbing your face in her breasts. Bonus points if you say, “Wouldn't this keep my ears warm.” If you are taller, you can always pretend to drop something or tie your shoelace. As you get up rub your face along the centerline of her body. Again bonus points for mentioning earmuffs (geddit, geddit, earmuffs as in an allusion to breasts and muff diving. I'm so funny I scare myself). More bonus points for getting your head stuck in her skirt on the way up. Champion level points if you say, “I see Paris, I see France, I see [insert name]'s underpants” while you're at it. Also, you can have one of those flashbacks, go nuts and start pawing her. Make sure you foreshadow the flashback early on so that she knows that you are blameless, and that it was the flashback's fault that you touched her bathing suit areas. However I recommend this only if you are a Vietnam vet or have done a lot of acid in the past.

If you follow my directions, you will be walking home with at least one number—and then only if you were picky. No sweat.

Step 2: Pre-Date Prep.

Now that you have the number, you will doubtless want to call her and set up the date. Stop. How you call her is important, as is when you call her. First call her immediately after you reach home. Your goal is to call her before she reaches home. This shows how much you like her. So, rush home. Usually I advocate chartering a helicopter but I suppose renting a McLaren F1 would also do in a pinch. As I mentioned, how you call her is also important. You have to call her enough times to let her know you care. I suggest you invest in a wardialler and call the heck out of her. If she left you her email as well then set up your computer to DdoS the shit out of her.

While your wardialler/computer is doing their work, drive on over to her house (you did put a tracking device on her didn't you?) There you should serenade her. It doesn't matter how you do it or what music you use—blasting punk rock on a boombox or playing folk music with you guitar works equally well. The point is to let the neighbors know to back off and that you are courting her and also to let her know you care.

If you do this you will get a date 100% of the time, but before you go rushing off to said date, there is one side trip that you have to make. On to her father's house.

It is a scientifically proven fact that all girls want to bone their fathers. And because that is illegal, they will accept the next best thing: people like their fathers. The first thing you should do once you have broken in is to steal steal his wardrobe. Unless of course her parents are still awake, in which case the first thing you should do is knock them out without being seen. Once you have the clothes and the parents are unconscious, you should then proceed to rub the clothes on the father and try to get his scent on it. Best places to rub on are the armpits, the feet, the groin area (beware of wood!!!) and the ass. Also if you can get him to bleed on the clothes all the better. In fact, if you want you can ditch the clothes and coat yourself in his blood, using it as body paint. Like Mystique in X-Men. Only red. The downside of this is that you will probably attract attention during your date. Also, you could run into snags at those No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service places and be forced to eat at McDonald's.

Step 3: The Date

This part should be a no-brainer. Continue what you were doing in step one. Periodically piss on her and pin her to the ground. Touch her. Talk to her. As per step one. You are decked out in her father's clothes (or in his blood), carrying her father's scent. You are untouchable. Almost.

What you can do at this point is to cement your Alpha male dominance and project it to everyone. Pick fights with random people. Stop a random person and ask him why he hasn't paid you back the $1,000,000 he owes you then punch him in the face screaming WHO'S THE MAN NOW, LOUISE HUH WHO'S THE MAN NOW. Your date will be very impressed. It doesn't matter if his name isn't Louise or that he doesn't owe you money: You are punching him in the face—he won't care.

To really establish your male dominance what you need to do is whip out your dick and choke the bishop. Violently. Beat your dick like it owes you money (yes I realise that beating things that owe money is starting to be a recurring theme). This also has the side benefit of turning on your date. It's the teaser for your sexual prowess. The appetizer so to speak.

When the bill comes, do not pay for it. Do not even go dutch. Instead slap your date on the face and say, “Pay for this bitch!” This shows her that you respect her as an equal and fully capable of paying the bill. This shows her that while you are an Alpha male, you are not a male chauvinist. If you can cry while slapping her, do so. Girls love it when you show your sensitive side.

Part 4: Transition

I wish I could say that you now have a 100% chance of getting laid but you don't. Sure, the chances of not getting laid is small, infinitely so. But it's there. And I leave nothing to chance.

The trick is to be invited into your date's home. If you have been following my instructions then it is almost a given that you will be invited in, that is if your date hasn't already succumbed to your charms and decided to take you in the elevator, or in the car, or even in the restaurant (or cinema or wherever the fuck you took her.) In many cases, the seduction works so well that the couple decide to get it on before they met. (It's complicated. To explain it I would first need to explain to you my modified theory of Relativity, exciton-photon coupling in photonic wires, and stuff. Take my word OK.) On the off chance you are not invited in, or if you just don't want to take that chance, what you can do is force your way in. What you do is that when you are approaching her house, tell her that you saw somebody inside through her window. Be as specific as you can. And as scary. Definitely be scary.

Good: “ I saw Cthulhu through your windows. Only it was carrying knives. Did I say knives? I meant katana swords. And Damascus swords. And the Sword of Rapists +5 against lone females, with 3d6 acid damage. And lightsabers... uh purple lightsabers...with BMF written at the base. And AK47s. And a Gauss rifle.... Did I say Cthulhu? I meant Cthulhu the White, from Krypton with solar charged cells. And a Green Lantern ring. With Mother Box technology. And the speed force. Oh, and with 10 razor sharp, spiked, penile appendages.”

Bad: “I saw someone in your house. He looked dangerous.”

Then, immediately run up and bash the door down. Pretend to check the place out and, voila, you're in. And once you're in, you're golden.

Part 5: Sex.

Ah, the culmination of your efforts. It's simple. Once you're in, and your date is in, grab her and throw her against the wall, screaming THE PENIS GOES INTO THE FRONT HOLE repeatedly. It doesn't matter if it actually goes into the small hole, though if you accidentally go into the rear, then it is convention to shout BOOYA as you withdraw. You can actually shout anything you want. WHO”S YOUR PAPA...SMURF would work as would I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND STOUT. Basically, just shout. Be Old Skool. Not Dr. Dre Old Skool. Or even that guy who rapped Chocolate City (or whatever). I'm thinking Kunta Kinte. At least as old skool as Kunta Kinte who used to shout, "STOP. I JUST WANT TO CUT WOOD." during rough homosexual sex. No, that is incorrect; he was gagged, so he would have shouted, "WOOP. M WIPN WOOM U MUT WOOP."

And the rest is repetition.

Mourning the Morningstar

Today I finally read the last issue of Lucifer, after putting it off for more than a month now. If you don't know what I am talking about, and I am sure most of you don't, here.

The series premiered sometime in 1999, though the titular character appeared way before that early in the Sandman series, and I have been following the story since. And what a story it was. Impeccable pace, brilliant storytelling, nicely woven mythologies and featuring one of the greatest anti-heroes of all time: Damn right I was hooked.

I don't normally recommend comics to people, in spite of being a total comic book nerd -- hell, I learned to read from comic books ( and those EXCITING Peter and Jane books. They were totally incestous) -- but I really recommend reading this, and the Sandman, and Preacher, and Midnight Nation, and Y:The last Man, and... hmmm, I probably should do a comic recommendation post next.

Seriously, if you haven't read any of the books and want to, I can pass them to you (caveat: if you don't know how to contact me, there's probably a reason why). The bad part is that you will probably never watch another comic book movie again without thinking that it was crap, or at least that it could have been much better.

A page from A Season of Mists :

The conversation between Dream of theEndless and Lucifer. For context, Lucifer is here abandoning Hell, having chased everyone out, and is locking the gates. Click to enlarge.



Goodbye Lucifer Morningstar. It has been a wonderful ride.